rotate.

move.  change.  prioritize and eliminate.

let go.  give away.  wash down the drain. 

its hard.  but its not as hard as people say it is.  the natural process of creation, destruction, creation, destruction.

i could have been a hoarder.  i probably am, deep down in my heart.  but over the years of constantly moving, constantly changing, with financial restrictions at play, i have learned. 

i have learned that there will always be another picture frame, pillowcase, couch, album, and believe it or not, there will always be another friend.

hoarders often call themselves collectors.  i have called myself a collector.  mostly of typewriters, but occasionally of friends.  the problem with hoarding/collecting anything is that the value of each item becomes lost to the individual's need to have more of the same thing, and the original happiness that came with having one typewriter for each of its flaws and eccentricities and mechanical beauties, is overshadowed by the sheer mass of so many typewriters in one place.

is it so with friends? 

do i(we) lose the value, and in turn opportunity, in each one of our individual friendships by getting caught up in the romance of having so many? 

i gave away several typewriters last time i moved.  i kept the ones that i appreciated only on an individual basis, not as part of my collection. 

i think it may be time to do the same with my collection of friends.

sounds horrible, i know.  but the truth is that one man's trash is another man's treasure, right?  sometimes things or people come into your life for a season, to help you, teach you, learn from you, grow you, impress you, deflate you, propel you forward in this life.  And when the season is over, its time to let go, both for your sake, and for theirs.  They can continue doing those things with someone else... and so will you. 

and so will I.

letting go.

i have more work to do.  i kind of can't believe how much.  i am learning so much about myself and about who i continue to grow to be, yet there is always so much more that i feel like i could be doing, learning, acheiving.

i have never experienced jealousy in my landscape of emotions like i do now.  it seems like every time i turn a corner or make progress, there is someone else who is just innately doing it better.

i guess now would be a good time to remind myself that it doesn't matter.  what matters is my own learning, my own growth, my own goals that i am acheiving.  if anger is an indicator of action that needs to be taken, then jealousy for me is an indicator that i need to reassess myself.  look at what i've told myself that i've wanted to do with myself.  take stock in my progress.  make adjustments.  then continue to learn from there. 

and really, the only reason why i don't like to feel jealous of other's talent, skill, or success, is because i would much rather celebrate it with them.  humans are such remarkable things.  we are capable of so much more than we think we are.  which means that i am capable of so much more than i think i am.  and i want people to celebrate my successes with me also. 

i am starting over with lots of brand new things coming into my world in the next few weeks.  the only factor involved in my success is me.  i believe that i am capable of doing amazing things.  i also recognize that success and acheivement comes with many failed attempts.  learning from those attempts is what makes me successful, not the final result.

there is no final result.