grumps.

i've been horribly grumpy lately. 

it could be all the changes.  several friends have recently left the part-time interests that have been the root of our friendships to each other.  i've moved, whittled my entire household down to one bedroom.  the job that i once loved and took pride in has become constricted to the point where i feel insignificantly corporate.  it could be these things. 

it could also be that the changes themselves are just changes, which are always a factor in life.  so maybe, its me that can't cope with so much change all of a sudden. 

its true that at the root of those friendships, home, and job have always been evolving into something else.  its also true that each one of those were once something inspiring and wonderful in my world.  at that point in which the inspiring and wonderful turned to challenge and struggle, i could no longer take refuge in their success, or attach it to my identity as a part of my own success.

i didn't think that i was still running around trying to prove that i could succeed at something in the world.  i thought that what i was looking for was learning.  i guess that in each of those things, i definitely struggled and learned until i reached a point where success made it worth it to continue.  i think that is the point in my journey that i miss today.  the part where the results are in from all that hard work, and somehow i can approve of myself, and all the toiling away that i'd spent all that time on. 

recognizing when to stop is supposed to be the hardest learned, and most valuable skill to develop as an artist.  so if i'm going to create my life, i'm going to have to learn to stop.  to let go.  to let myself quit one thing to pick up another.  to try doing it differently next time, not expecting the same result, but a new, more beautiful one than the last.  until that one is done.  then i start from scratch once again.