soaked.

is it actually possible that i've reached an over-saturation point in some of my current friendships that is causing this blue-ness around my time with them?

i'm a generally secure person, honest about and confident in what i want and bring to the relationships that i choose to participate in.  over the past week, i've felt several moments while around who i consider to be some of my dearest friends, a sharpness in some void that surprises me.  i'm taken aback suddenly when i realize i'm feeling left out, excluded, or tossed aside.  i don't think i'm imagining these things happening, although i realize that its perfectly normal for friendships to go in cycles, especially among women my age.  what i think is worse, however, is the dullness that is there when the sharpness isn't.  am i bored by these people?  am i bored by myself?  am i needing to be heard, loved, and to be giving in some way that is not currently possible with these people?

i also, however, have noticed myself refusing to see outside this tiny circle of people lately, which i know is a solid YES to all of the questions i'm asking, and that YES is followed with "and its your prerogative to do what you want about it."

i love these people.  i love them dearly.  i also need to do some things for myself that will remind me that i am not dependent on being one of them.  i may or may not go in and out of being a social butterfly and then a lone wolf on occasion.  i may be a good friend one day, and then a horrible one the next.  i may not always share my struggles with these people, or be completely honest.  i may wander out of range without warning just so that i can gain a larger perspective.

its amazing that i forget those things sometimes.